Rewriting History: The Logic of Doctor Who

IN THE BEGINNING, THERE WAS THE WORD, and the Question, and The Doctor and an exploding TARDIS, distributing the memory of the universe stored from Dalek technology  in the Pandorica. Big Bang 2 isn’t just Big Bang 2, but in fact the only Big Bang that began and ended the universe—it always happens. Because the universe began with the explosion of the TARDIS, that is why “Doctor Who?” was the oldest Question in the universe.

Doctor Who is one of the most effective Time Travelling stories anyone would ever encounter in the modern world. More than just telling us a story, it effectively challenges us to look at the world and our history in very odd ways. My friend Therese “required” me to talk about my favorite parts of the series, but that’s just too boring. Besides, I shouldn’t tell you anything that goes on there, because you’re going to watch the series if you haven’t already.

(Note: I’ve only watched the series for the Eleventh Doctor when Steven Moffat became head writer. Doctor Who in all its entirety has some 700+ episodes starting from the 1960s and I can’t watch all of that right now.)

So now I’m going to do Doctor Logic, in the style of Chuck Norris Facts, Philosoraptor and of course, Troll Physics. History can be rewritten.


CAUTION: Plenty of geek inside jokes.

Doctor Logic

  • The inventor of the electric mixer was inspired by a Dalek.
  • Nichola Tesla wasn’t human but was actually created by the Dalek to produce their technology.
  • The two people who won the Nobel for observing a hiss from the excess radiation from the big bang was actually just recording the sound of a malfunctioning TARDIS.
  • What Stephen Hawking hasn’t realized is that the singularity is the TARDIS.
  • Anyone in a comma is in a state where they have to choose between two dreams: life and death. To choose life would mean to die in death.

The Silence: Conspiracy Theories

  • The conspiracies about the CIA putting microchips in people’s brains is true. But it’s not used for spying, but to collect any and all information about The Silence.
  • Television advertising has a couple of frames from The Silence trying to control our minds.
  • Déjà vu is a memory of when time was disintegrating, because someone tried to rewrite a fixed point in time.
  • Absent mindedness (ie, forgetting your keys or why you entered a room) is an effect of encountering The Silence.

Nicholas Flamel and the Philosopher’s Stone

Nicholas Flamel was a Time Lord, and all his past and previous regenerations included Philippus Aureolus Theophrastus Bombastus von Hohenheim (aka Paracelsus)St. Albert the Great, Christian RozenkreuzFrancis Bacon and Leonardo Da Vinci. The Philosopher’s Stone is just a TARDIS.

The Intitiation Well of the Brethren of the Rose Cross is a shape-shifted TARDIS.

The Da Vinci Code

The Grand Masters of the Priory of Sion were actually regenerations of the same man.

The Holy Grail is a TARDIS.

Gospel of Judas

Judas was just trying to follow of fixed point in time. Jesus had to die or else, time would have disintegrated.

Judas tried to not kiss Jesus during the Last Supper; it didn’t work and Jesus just asked Him to trust Him and let Him die.

Judas knew that no one in the universe was going to save Jesus, no Teselecta and no TARDIS; in his despair, he killed himself.

Governance and Politics

In Al Gore’s presidential platform, he wanted to include the integration of Homo Reptilia and the human race. Similar to Nicanor Perlas’ platform.

The Reproductive Health Bill was proposed to control population, so that there would be enough space on the surface to house Homo Reptilia.

The Headless Monks sided with Gingrich. Gingrich is also headless.

The Headless Monks convinced Mar Roxas to step down and give the candidacy to Noynoy Aquino. Noynoy Aquino is Headless.

Impeached and convicted Chief Justice Renato Corona got his multi-million dollar accounts from when The Doctor rented one of his apartments.

The Tombstone of Gussie Audrey Horsey Gowen Manlove Brown

The tombstone for Gussie A. Manlove (full name: Gussie Audrey Horsey Gown Manlove Brown) discovered by John Green, and further investigated by Hank Green and Nerdfighteria was that of a Child of the Tardis who got regenerated and remarried and renamed multiple times until her final death as Audrey G. Brown.

Alternatively, Gussie A. Manlove was a normal human who got sucked into the light and was erased from existence, her tombstone left unfinished, but was remade into a plastic by the Daleks from the memory of her daughter Mary Gowen.

Prometheus

The Story of Prometheus is about a Time Lord. He didn’t mean to show primitive earthlings how to make fire, but he was hungry, and the stove in the TARDIS was out of gas.

The Female Pope

The Legend of Pope Joan, the fictitious female pope who dressed as a man and gave birth during a parade, wasn’t fictitious. Joan was a human companion to one of the Time Lords, and got pregnant on a TARDIS. The order of the Silence wanted to use Joan’s child, a Child of the TARDIS, to kill The Doctor. To avoid having her child killed, she hid herself as the Pope, who was then the most powerful and most protected human being. During the parade, when Joan gave birth, it was the Teselecta who killed her. The baby died but regenerated and escaped. However, Joan was not buried in the ground as the legend says, but was absorbed by the white light and was erased from existence. We now live in an alternate version of that reality, and that point in history was reduced to a legend in the half-remembered memories by those who were there to witness the parade. It is possible that Pope Joan (John Anglicus) was actually Amelia Pond in an alternate history.

The Legend of Avatar

The Avatar Universe is an alternate version of ours, with the Avatars being the Doctors and all the same wars being fixed points in history. Nobody remembers this, of course, because in our universe, The Avatar never existed—however, DiMartino and Kotnietzko, creators of Avatar, remember them faintly and decided to make an animation of them instead.

Fullmetal Alchemist

Likewise, Fullmetal Alchemist was Hiromu Arakawa’s attempt to remember an alternate version of history. Everyone who helped in the production of the anime and manga were those who remembered being part of that history, but couldn’t remember entirely. They decided that if they would make a famous anime/manga franchise, they could attract more people who “remember” something like they did.

“Fiction” and “Literature”

Every piece of fiction in history was written in an attempt to remember an alternate version of history.

Eoin Colfer’s Artemis Fowl series started with his encounter with the Homo Reptilia.

Lemony Snicket is someone from The Atraxi. Count Olaf was Prisoner Zero, and VFD was the police force.

The Author HG Wells was a companion of a Time Lord once. But he couldn’t remember that he was, so instead, he wrote Science Fiction.

The missing streets and towns in Rizal’s Noli Me Tangere once existed in an alternate version of history.

River Song kissed Lewis Carroll.

Harry Potter isn’t fantasy—it’s sci-fi.

Sonic

People who once thought Wizards and Witches were using evil magic didn’t know that magic wands were actually just Sonic Screwdrivers.

Mark Gatiss

Matt Smith is either a regeneration of Mark Gatiss, or the young Mark Gatiss traveled to the future to work with himself. That’s why Steven Moffat doesn’t know Gatiss’ backstory. Gatiss always just tells Moffat to trust him.

BBC Sherlock’s Laundry Truck Theory

Sherlock Holmes survived Reichenbach Fall because the laundry trolly that rolled in and caught him was a TARDIS. While he watches John Watson cry over his grave, he knows that his body is also under the ground. He will return a few years later to meet Watson again. When Sherlock really dies in the future, The Doctor will transport his dead body back to the scene of Reichenbach Fall and switch them again.

Weeping Angels

The reason why Angels in churches don’t move is because invisible people are always watching them.

SCP Containment Breach was based on The SCP Foundation, which is a real organization disguised as a an online 4chan joke. It is a collaboration between the Atraxi and the Teselecta.

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